My First-Year College Experience in Thirteen Journal Entries

ONE

August 30, 2013

   It's 9:39 pm on a Friday night, and I'm all alone in my dorm room. Chloe, my roommate, just left for a party. Sometimes, I feel as if I should be partying too, but then I remember that there'll be plenty more parties in the future (: preferably ones where my best friends are also invited.

TWO

September 1, 2013

    Cindy told us last night over dinner that we should do something fun on Saturday (in addition to studying) instead of studying all day. So, we all (once Andy finally came to our breakfast time brunch, at like, 10 am) decided that we'd go into town for ice cream and hit up the Farmer's Market.
     Around 11, Cindy, Amanda, OT, Michael C., Andy, Gian, and I headed down the hill. We sang on the way, of course, and OT made her first dandelion wish. We saw Angela, who was on her way to Perry's along the way. She was wearing a pretty corally pink top.
     At the Farmer's Market, I wandered away from the group so I could look at all the earrings! And pendants! And sniff the organic oil candles (Lilly of the Valley is beautiful), and I tried homemade goat cheese. I felt bad not buying anything, but I don't have a fridge.
     Later, we went to get ice cream from the grocery store, and I got this giant McFlurry that I couldn't finish and everyone got scoops except Amanda who got a small pie, Michael since he doesn't like sweets, and Gian who opted for yogurt (healthy child).
     Walking back up the hill, we saw some leaves fall, and I thought it was really cute (actual seasons!) and Michael asked if I was really 18. He says I look 15-16 or something, but it's "cute." Okay, thanks.
     Then, I wrote the 'Anti-Convocation Letter' with Amanda and Andy at Case Library. We were upset by the overly-religiousness of a supposedly inclusive welcome ceremony. Afterward, I went back to my room and studied in there with Chloe for a while. I'm glad we're both music studiers, because I like blasting Classical when I work.
     Then, we had dinner at Franks in this big Asian/International group. Nick and Jade really wanted to go do something tonight, but my group had to study first though.
     Gian, OT, Amanda, and Andy were there at Case with me, and so was Ali. Ali said, "I've always been the good boy, but I thought I'd be partying on Saturday nights. But I'm at the library instead." When the rest of us went to have a late-night karaoke sesh, Ali denied our invite since he'd rather go "out."
      Jade, Andy, Gian, Nick, Amanda, OT, Mezmur, AB, and Katelyn (from Gate House) did karaoke. And then, we watched Mulan and sang along to "Girl Worth Fighting For." I fell asleep at some point and my friends didn't draw on my face. They did take pics of me asleep on the couch though. Thanks, friends.

THREE

September 7, 2013

   So anyway, Saturday went like this: I woke up at 8:30 am to have brunch with Amanda, OT, Flora, Andy, Cindy, and Gian (who was late because he had to poop -.-). Then we went to the Farmer's Market! It was gorgeous outside, and I got to eat ground cherries for the first time. Flora shared her Macintosh apples with everyone (Andy didn't really like them because they were kind of bitter). I bought fish earrings and a cool hand-molded ring, and then, we went for ice cream at Maxwell's. I got chocolate coconut. But the whole time, I was feeling really depressed :( I started trailing behind, and Andy kept my pace. Amanda and the others were going to buy organic hot sauce, but I just couldn't resist the urge to cry anymore. So, I told Andy that I was going to head back to school early. "I'll walk you there," he insisted.
    "Me too," Gian added.
    I guess I was sad because I was jealous that Gian and Andy both got into the Mantiphondrakes (an a capella group), and I didn't. And I was upset that no one would go to an actual party with me because Gian kept convincing everyone to go to a 'karaoke party' at Gate House instead. I didn't want to sing karaoke because my singing spirit had been crushed.
    We walked up the hill together, silent for a long stretch until I said some small-talky things. I don't even remember what, but we started laughing again, and took lots of breaks from walking on the incline. Andy decided we could go to the counselor if I was still feeling down. We checked if he/she was there, but no one was there, so we walked to the Edge for lunch. That was closed, too. So, we decided to just sit on the cement walk-way for a while, surrounded by concrete rocks. We talked about kissing. Andy liked my slug analogy about tonguing (which I stole from the book How to Be a Person). Later, we ate at Franks, and I chilled at Curtis in Andy's room. When we went back to the counseling building, the counselor was still M.I.A. so we just went to study at the Ho Science Center and Cooley library. Later, we had dinner at Franks. Isabel told me about a Caribbean party there. Gian, Andy, and Amanda (especially after the Chamber Orchestra pub incident) hate 'party parties,' and declined the invite.
     After dinner, Amanda and I went out in the drizzle to the first football game. It was against Syracuse. On our way to get jackets, I asked Cindy if she wanted to come along. We pretended to be drunk on the way there. #Pregaming. Amanda didn't walk in a straight line, and I said, "AHAHAHA THE TREES ARE DANCING!" Then, when we were approaching the field, we saw our friend Nick coming toward us, and he decided to join us to watch the half-time show. We sat on the damp bleachers. I can't watch football like a competent human being. Every time someone fumbles, I die with laughter. When one football player just fell over, I lost it. At one point, I ended up unintentionally cheering for the wrong side.
    After a not-a-half-time show of baby footballers doing jumping jacks, too-short-skirted baby cheerleaders, and a lot of incorrect flag holding (according to our ex-color guard, Amanda), we took Nick to Franks for a late dinner. He opted for 2 burgers. I just got some tea. Then, we played the story game (which I finally know involves people just making it up as they go along), and Angela gave up because it was too sexual.
      Then, we had a spontaneous 'Mean Girls' party (well a good 30 minutes after Gian texted "Gate House now!") with Andy, Nick, Andy, OT, and Andy's Indian friend. 
      
**author's note:
AHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN I cannot believe I actually wrote that phrase in my journal. If you did not put the pieces together, I am currently dating 'Andy's Indian friend' who is not actually Indian but Bangladeshi.

     Then, right at the best part (the Mathletes competition), Cindy, Nick, and I had to leave to change for the black-and-white dress code of the La Casa party. La Casa was so hot and had nothing to drink! But the black light was cool, and they played Miley Cyrus. We met up with Amanda there and danced in an awkward clump like non-horny people while everyone around us was twerking or grinding. Later, we went party hunting via "following the scantily clad women." We were unsuccessful, but it was definitely a bonding experience.

FOUR

September 19, 2013

    Happy Moon Festival! Paul, Andy, Cindy, OT, Amanda, and I realized we were real friends now because we discussed each other's financial aids and sexual statuses while watching the full moon.

FIVE

September 28, 2013
  
     I like how Gian was the first person to run away from the graveyard since he was the one with the flashlight. So, my friends and I were taking our nightly graveyard adventure. The feeble street lamps illuminated the tree-lined paved pathway between the hill leading down toward the dining hall and the hill leading up toward more forest. If you continued up this slope, you'd reach the graveyard with tall tombstones, and that's where we were headed. The stars dangled in the sky, barely visible through the openings in the trees. Gian used his smartphone as a flashlight, and we were all trying hard not to be the last one in our clump. (That's the person who dies first!) Suddenly, an old woman wearing scrubs came jogging past us. She whispered, "I don't believe in ghosts" before disappearing into the darkness beyond the graveyard. Cue us running away screaming.
     Our theories:

• The old woman= magic + lives in woods
• Person on the left dies first (not sure if that means my left or the murderer's left. Better stay in the middle)
• The lady was trying to get us to follow her by being nice

SIX

September 29, 2013

     So, today was a crazy Saturday. It was really fun because I got to spend like the whole day with friends, but I'm seriously so fucked this week when it comes to homework. As Nick puts it, "There's so much crap to do and so little time."
     (Can't write much because I'm hoping to catch Cindy at Franks for breakfast tomorrow, and it's hella late.)
9 am: Brunch
10-12 pm: Farmer's Market with Adib, Amanda, OT, Cindy, Andy
~we read a discounted horoscope book in the Children's section of the bookstore; Cindy and I are a 9/10 for passion compatibility.
1 pm: Cooping with Amanda, OT, Andy, Adib, Cindy, and Gian
2-3:30 pm: Homework and Elvis (on Spotify) in the Coop Computer Lab with Gian
4-4:30 pm: Ballet Practice for Nutcracker Snowflakes
5:30-8 pm: OT's birthday dinner at La Iguana
8-9:30 pm: Chillin' at Paul and Nick's with Cindy
10-11 pm: Korean Student Association party in Asia House basement

     So, my first party (besides the twenty minutes I spent at a 'Welcome International Students' party before school started)... I met an upper-classman girl who was kind of tipsy and gave me, Cindy, and Nick advice.
     "I just started partying last semester. There are so many freshman who think they need to party every night and only look cool with a drink in hand. There are so many ways to have fun in a sober environment-- my roommate and I would go downtown for dinner, check the music scene at the Barge, and watch movies in our dorm! I came from not drinking at high school to coming to Colgate and seeing the party scene. I was shocked." I was excited to find someone who felt as shocked by the party scene as I was.
     Then, a guy Cindy knew came over. He'd taken ten shots but swore that he was sober, "I could talk to the president right now! Obama would think I was sober. I'm so much more down-to-Earth when I'm drunk."
      Nick insisted I eat Tortilla chips, but they were weird and limey. I kept getting peer pressured to play beer games. Cindy, Nick, and I played slap cup. I'm apparently really good at it. (I did get it in the King Cup once, but the cute Korean upperclassmen were like, "Give her a chance!" and a bearded guy drank for me).
      On the way back up the hill, I remember reciting some Middle English from the Canterbury Tales and telling anyone within a ten foot radius about everything we were learning in Biology 211. Ali ran into me, Cindy, and Nick on the way and said, "You're so cute when you're drunk!" I tried to articulate the genre of his pants. You know, he always wears such fascinating pants. He said something like, "I want to be the very best," so Nick and I burst into a loud, drunken, screamy rendition of the Pokemon theme song. Nick was holding me up by the way. He and Cindy are the best!
     Then, after eating the rest of my La Iguana left-over burrito at the Coop, Paul said the greatest thing to my cnidarian babble. (Cnidarian is the jellyfish phylum!) "That's so interesting." Then, I told him he was the funniest person in the whole world. And the world is BIG. Gargantuan. And insects are the most abundant species of all animals.
     I crashed in Nick's bed and he put a blanket over me and whispered to Paul about whether he should wake me up and have me take my shoes off. Paul replied, "Eh, I've slept with my shoes on before. It doesn't hurt." Nick tucked me in. I randomly woke up later, and Nick and Paul were still up because, you know, they're awake at 2 am, and we found White Chicks on their TV, and Nick told me about his dog Keela and his "Perfect Waffle" recipe.

1. Warm a cut banana for 15 seconds #caramelized 
2. Add chocolate chips 
3. Add honey
4. Mix everything together

SEVEN

November 16th, 2013

Last night was really fun c: We walked downtown to the Manti concert at the Barge (Adib, OT, Amanda, Cindy), and we met up with Nicky and Paul there! When we were walking,

Gian asked, “Are those drunk people?” *cue the obnoxious singing girls*

  "Yep!" I replied.

Gian said, “OhmyGod. We do sound drunk all the time.”

Then, we all Cooped it up (Amanda and Adib stayed at a comedy show for  a while. I SHIP IT!), and played Mafia! Andy’s the most morbid story-telling dude ever. And my boyf killed me once >_< and then, the murder was Adweeb! odioahpfsajfdalkfda And Nick wins the award for “Most Lynched” x)

EIGHT

November 22nd, 2013

This week has seriously been the longest week of my life. I’ve realized that, while at Colgate, I’ve gone the longest times without feeling depressed than I have in years. Even though the workload’s more stressful, I feel more at peace with myself and the decisions I make.

I went to my morning classes today, and then, went straight to East to take a nap. I had this weird dream where I was exploring campus and facebook-stalking people and then, I found this secret part of East/West hall with red carpets and staircases and fancy tables-- it was this secret study room! It was so exciting. But I was late to lunch rush with my Boyf D: So, when my alarm when  off, I rushed to Frank.
After eating with Cindy, Gian, Emily, Ali, Andy, Angela, and Nick, Cindy, Gian, Angela, and I went to East and then sat outside Cindy’s door and just played Uno and sang childhood theme songs loudly and obnoxiously. “F is for frolick through all the flowers, U is ukelele, N is for nose picking, sharing gum and sand-licking here with my best buddy.” Gian and I  went to OT’s and Amanda’s while Cindy was packing later, and then Adweeb came and we tried to find an online Secret Santa present for Paul.  And then, we visited Andy at work. There was no one at the library, so we played with the rolley chairs and sang. At 4, Cindy and I sent OT and Amanda off on their bus to Boston. And at 4:30, Gian came and we sent off Cindy to Connecticut.
Then, Gian and I trolled the library before we met up with Andy, Adib, Nick, Emily, Charlie, and Xintao to walk over to the Racist White-people church (they're not purposefully racist,I think. They're just kinda ignorant, and they totally mean well.) And then, we ate a Thanksgiving dinner! We had turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, squash, corn, breads, pies (apple, sweet potato, pumpkin), pecan bars, and etc. Nick and I talked about Thanksgiving. I told him that he has side burns and he said that my observations are “hot” xD “But like, it’s interesting! You’re the only person to point that out.”

But after the dinner, Nick and I got in an argument about butch lesbians. He think’s they’re scary and something’s “off” about transgender people. According to him, they should be happy with who they are and what God gave them. “It’s religious.” But no, it’s not. Andy was very cool about the subject, asking Nick for alternatives to surgery (which Nick deems “artificial”), and told Nick about the emotions that make becoming transgender an attractive solution to many individuals.

But I wasn’t cool. I got very angry.

I left the group. We were all supposed to get a pizza since someone won one from the International Dinner raffle. I started walking up the hill alone in the snow, but Ali came after me. Ali said, “You know Nick isn’t the kind of person to judge people and hate them for something…” Our conversation turned deep and we bonded over the idea of 'soul mates.' Then, in West Hall, I used the men’s bathroom which has very nice tile-work, and Ali let me draw and listen to Mumford and Sons, Ingrid Michelson, and Jesse McCartney. In an hour, everyone else came into the room with left over pizza. I realized I'd cooled down, so when Nick came through the door, we hugged. I told him I was sorry.

NINE

February 22nd, 2014

     It's Saturday morning. I'm in my secret spot in the Ho Science Center. I don’t think I can wholeheartedly consider myself a depressed person. I have a kind family and friends. I’m studying at one of the best liberal arts universities in the nation on an almost full ride.

    And I hate everything.

    My friends take care of me. And I get to learn every day.

    And I want to drown myself under the ice of Taylor Lake.

    No. Don’t try to help me. Not when I’m like this.

    Don’t look at me that way. With those eyes. Your eyes scream “EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. I’M OKAY. I GET MYSELF TO KEEP ON LIVING EVERYDAY. WHY CAN’T YOU? WHY? WHY?”

    Stop it. I’m okay now.

    No I’m not. You know what this feels like?

    It feels like everything.

    Being depressed is not identical to being sad.

    It’s being so happy and then so, inexorably sad, that the contrast is enough to kill you.

    It’s about forgetting what it means to be yourself, and you're no longer in control of the emotions.

It’s all about feeling and wanting to just not feel like:

• the world is dark; it’s like an eternal storm of suffocation. Overcast, and you’re waiting for the sun to shine through. But it never does, so you DIE inside.
• you’re trying to run away on icy ground, but you can’t run because the only thing to catch you is solidified water, as frozen and unemotional as you are shaking with fear and being slammed by torrents of unpredictable sadness
• the top of the well is above you, but as you try to climb out, it grows taller and taller until you can’t even see the light anymore
• you’ve lost hope

Ever feel this way?

Ever feel this way… and resist?

Resist! Resist! Resist!

Worse things have happened to other people. What make you think, you- some well-to-do American adult who has never truly experienced the world’s horrors in your tiny microcosm of a world, deserve to be sad. Because you don’t deserve to feel this way.

It’s WRONG to feel this way.

To feel so intensely.

Stop it.

You’re being silly.

Foolish.

Unacceptably ungrateful.

Fuck you, depressed kid.

There’s no where to run.

The world is judging you.

Face it or…

No, there’s no or.

You have to be acceptable to society. For the love of God, SMILE! It’ll make you feel better. Even better, it’ll make other people feel better.

Feel.. better.

As opposed to feeling worse- as in, having an incorrect way of going about expressing themselves. Normalcy…

That’s it. Feel.. normal. Feel normally.

Take some PILLS.

Let them FUCK with your emotions so your high-strung, sensitive mother fuckers will calm down. Let the drugs rape my senses.

No, no thank you, doctor, I’m fine. Please, don’t look at me that way. See, I’m following your guidelines. I called my parents, and you know what they said?

“Don’t make a scene. What are you doing?

Be in control.

Control your emotions.

Don’t draw attention for yourself this way.

Why would you do that?

You’re not sad.

We did not raise a sad child.

You’re strong.”

And the more I try to conceal my pain, the more it leaks out.

Until I have to SCREAM in the middle of a sunny day… outside in the quad.

Where everyone can see me.

Everyone can see there’s something wrong.

There’s something wrong with her.

She’s crazy.

She’s not like us. She can’t control her emotions.

She’s…. depressed.

I don’t know why she wants to go. She’s smart, pretty, loved.

She’s unstable.

She wants to go now.

You know, we’re all made of dust. Tiny specks. Star particles from the universe. Sometimes, I want to go back to how existence felt before: emotionless and explorative. I want to wander through the galaxies and not worry about… anything. And not care. And just live weightlessly.

So, I’ll do something creative with my death. I don’t want to be another pill girl or rope girl or… that sounds horrible. Those people killed themselves. Oh, but they were so uncreative! When I go, I’m going to make it look like an accident. That way, they won’t remember me as a girl who was suicidal, but a girl who… accidentally fell into a frozen lake. She was running… running away on a day when it had just rained after weeks of snow. So, the ground was frozen. And she was sprinting too fast. Just for fun, just to live and feel the adrenaline and the wind chill frosting her face. Then, suddenly, she slips and slides down a slope of Willow Path into the lake. Crashes right through the ice. It’s too late for anyone to rescue her! And the water drowns her sadness.

Until…

a gloved hand finds hers.

She takes another breath.

I’m too proud to admit I need help.

But I do. I do need help.

TEN

March 8th, 2014

     So yesterday morning, Chloe asked if she could have the room for herself that night, and being the decent roommate I am, I agreed to her request nonchalantly, because why not? Adib said I could crash at his place whenever on the weekend, and that was the plan.

     A British indie-rock band, SPLASHH, was coming to Colgate to play at Donovan's Pub last night. A few of my friends had organized the event, and watching live music's like, my favorite thing ever, so I decided to go. The opening guys were from the Hamilton, New York area. They had a chill sound. I actually liked them better than the main act. But that's probably because halfway through the first band's set, I started getting the WORST stomach cramps I've ever had. I assumed they were menstrual cramps. My period's not regular, so even though it's only been two weeks since my last ride on the crimson wave, I didn't think much of it. I didn't feel well enough to stand up with the rest of the audience, though, so I sat on this comfy love-seat at the back of the pub. I writhed around, trying to find a sitting position that didn't make my stomach feel twisted. Nothing I did made a difference, so I walked up to the bar counter and asked for a water. The bartender was awesome and even gave me a bendy straw. I kept sipping when all of a sudden, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I've never had such bad cramps and started getting worried. I awkwardly sat in the bathroom, the music faintly audible through the thick, cement walls. I hated missing the concert, and I then, I felt so sick I could've thrown up. But I never throw up. I hadn't thrown up since I was 8. But all of a sudden, I wretched out my dinner. A thick puddle of eggs and rice swam in the toilet. And I vomited more. And once more after that. (TMI. I know. I'm sorry.)

     You know how I said I'd crash at Adib's place that night? Well, he has a roommate who usually doesn't mind if I stay over. But I think he would mind if I vomited the whole time. I told my friend, Claire, that I'd be leaving because I wasn't feeling well. I told her I'd thrown up after having cramps, and she said, "Oh no! That's what happened to me, too, but I just thought it was abdominal pain or something. And then I started vomiting, and I haven't vomited since I was little, too. Just go to the bottom floor of East, buy a Gatorade, and stand by a garbage can." (Gatorade because a lack of appetite leads to a loss of electrolytes.) I was hoping to just go back to my dorm, but Chloe had reserved the room, plus I'd left all of my shit (dorm key, backpack, etc.) at Adib's in the afternoon. He was currently at a movie screening for the Muslim Student Association. I awkwardly called him up, and he said he'd come get me. "No no no! I can meet you at the chapel." I really wanted to start heading up before I felt the urge to puke again. I started the hike back up the hill and called him to say I was coming. We awkwardly met up at the stairs. I was crying like an idiot because the pain was unbearable.

     He brought me to Alumni (a class building on the way to my dorm) so he could run to his dorm on the opposite side of campus to get all my stuff. We were hoping to ask Cindy if I could crash at her place. She has a single and was planning to sleep over at Amanda's anyway. However, Cindy wasn't picking up her phone because she was watching The Hobbit. So by the time Adib came back, I was talking to my mom on the phone because I didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to do either and gave my phone to my sister who wanted to talk to me. My sister was asking me questions about AP Bio and couldn't comprehend my answers because I was simultaneously dry-heaving into a garbage can. After that conversation ended, Adib and I went over to my dorm. We stumbled across Angela, Gian, Andy, and Izzie. They were planning to watch a movie when I showed up looking like I was about to die. Angela invited me to stay over at her room. "Honey, I'll get you some hot water. You can stay at my room."

       "You're like a mom," I drowsily told her.

       "Do you have Ebola?" Izzie asked. "Because then your insides would be liquefied."

       "And then we'd catch it and die in a week," Andy added.

       "Not even a week. Two days," Izzie retorted.

       "Oh my god, guys," Gian gasped. But I thought their whole conversation was hilarious. Then, Ryan who lives on the second floor came over.

        "What's wrong?"

        "I have Ebola," I replied. In truth, I had the norovirus aka The Stomach Bug that just made it's round through Colgate. I always get sick at the end of Colgate's endemics.

        I awkwardly climbed up four flights of stairs to Angela's room. "Honey, take off your pants-- jeans are restricting. And take of your shirt while you're at it." Adib was awkwardly there and turned around. Angela tossed a giant tie-dye shirt for me to wear. I stripped, put it on, and crawled under her sheets. She got upset because I was laying down the wrong way and turned me around. Then, she rubbed my stomach, went to get me water, and had Adib take her place. Stomach rubs are the best. I was totally dying and crying, and Angela awkwardly said that I couldn't stay over with her because she was worried her roommate wouldn't want me there. So, Adib tried once again to call Cindy. Cindy said the movie was done, and then, gave the phone to Amanda who started panicking as Adib told her my diagnosis. Amanda called her roommate, OT, to ask if I could sleep in her bed for the night. OT kindly agreed as she was spending the night elsewhere anyway. Jason, Amanda, and Cindy all came over to Angela's to transfer me to Amanda's roommate's bed. Jason poured some water "Sorry if it's tea flavored" into my (Angela's) mug. "This tastes like tea," I replied tiredly. And soon, I was helped into the room across the hall. 

     I was given Amanda's "period pants" which are 10 sizes too big for the both of us (because OT believes one should wear "bed pants" to bed) and placed under three blankets and a giant purple comforter. A black trash can was placed by my head, and I felt like I was about to die.

     Adib stayed for while, but had to leave around 12:30 am because he had shit ton of studying to do the next morning. Amanda comforted me and Cindy slept over, too. I slept on my back to avoid twisting my stomach and dreamt about boats.

     I was out until 8 in the morning, went back to sleep, and woke up with Cindy telling me that OT and her boyfriend, Kyle, had brought some orange PowerAde from the dining hall. I went to the dining hall with Cindy at around 10 am and couldn't eat my chocolate chip pancakes. I went back to sleep on OT's comfy bed and couldn't do things.

     Around lunch time, Cindy and Adib brought me lunch that I couldn't eat. It was a veggie burger, and Amanda proclaimed that vegetables when sick is a bad idea. I did eat a banana though. It was a struggle. Amanda coxed me to help me through the endeavor. "JUST ONE MORE BITE! ONLY A FOURTH OF THE WAY MORE! FINAL STRETCH! YOU CAN DO IT!" I wanted to laugh and vomit at the same time.

     Adib and Cindy were worried about my not-eating the veggie burger. Amanda told us about the "BRAT diet": Bread, Rice, Apple Sauce, and Toast. So Cindy and Adib ran to the dining hall. Adib made me a diluted PowerAde solution and buttered toast. Meanwhile, Amanda told me an awesome bed time story.

     "Once upon a time, there was a princess named Angel who lived in a castle made of gems and jewels. But her castle was cold. At her touch, it would take all the heat out of her hand. She was so sad that she took a hammer and smashed at her castle walls, making many imperfections." I laughed at her attempt to make a Gems joke. "But then, a visitor came to the castle. It was a Bangladeshi man on a horse-"

     "A cow!" I interjected.

     "A cow. And the cow had a garland of flowers in its horns. He was the most chivalrous and kind Bangladeshi man, and he and Angel had such a great time together. And then, he took... leather from his cow to cover the walls and make them warm, but not the outside so the jewels would still sparkle and the light would shine into the castle."

     Now, I'm just kind of in OT and Amanda's room. A while ago, OT, Amanda, Jason, Cindy, and I were all chillin in Amanda's room and listening to Amanda's guilty pleasure playlist. I'm feeling better.

ELEVEN

March 12, 2014

Pues, mi vida es un gran desastre ahora. Estoy fracasando todas mis clases. Seriosamente. No esta buena para mi ahora. Estoy ahogando debajo mi tarea y no puedo lograr mis metas :c

Mis notas no son buenas ahora. Ai Dios mio! No se que puedo hacer.

Hoy, recibí muchas notas de mis profesores.

En la clase de historia de arte, recibí un asi asi nota: 87/100, un B+ para mi examen de Mid-term.

Para la reciente prueba de química, recibí un 81/100 B- (Y sentí muy alegre porque el tiempo pasado, recibí un 76%!) Pues, quimica no esta malo.

Pero en la clase de joya, FRACASE!!!! Pensaba que hice bien pero QQ 81/100?! WTF. Yo quiero llorar o morir o comer todas los postres del mundo.

Y en la clase de retos, recibí un 85/100 para mi papel primer. Me gustaba mi papel :c Adib recibí un mas buena nota para su papel y el no le gustaba su papel. Ughhhh. Que es vida?

Sometimes, I journal in Spanish.

So, my life is a grand disaster right now. I am failing all of my classes. Seriously. It is not good for me right now. I am drowning under my homework, and I can't achieve my goals :c

My grades are not good right now. Oh my God. I don't know what to do.

Today, I got many grades back from my professors.

In Art History, I got an okay grade: 87/100, a B+ for my Mid-term exam.

For the recent Chem Quiz, I got an 81/100 B- (And I felt very happy because last time, I got a 76%!) So, Chem is not bad.

But in my Gems class, I FAILED!!!! I thought I did well, but QQ 81/100?! WTF. I want to cry or die or eat all of the desserts in the world.

And in Challenges, I got an 85/100 on my first paper. I liked my paper :c Adib got a better grade on his paper and he didn't like it. Ughhhh. What is life?

TWELVE

March 15th, 2014

I'm in Connecticut! It's Spring Break, so Gian, Andy, Cindy, and I are making dumplings.

THIRTEEN

April 24th, 2014

Weirdly, I'm not stressed. I'm just excited for Spring Party Weekend even though I have two ten-page papers due and a test tomorrow. Hold on, gotta flip on music. Spotify's blaring "Crystallized" by Young the Giant— lovin' it. I have an appointment with Janine today. I think of them as "mental check ups." When I came out of East hall, I saw Adib, Cindy, and OT laying on a blanket and enjoying the nice weather. (Finally!) I wanted to stay with them, but I knew I'd feel even better if I went to my therapist appointment.
I sat in a large, cushy chair and held a squishy stress ball in my hand. I told her how stressed I was about my upcoming quizzes, essays, and tests that week. "You can't do everything at once," Janine said. "Take three deep breaths before entering an activity." I left the therapist building that looks like a house, complete with a charming bathroom, coffee maker, and living room couch. My anxiety began to resurface, but then, I took three breaths. "Inhale- exhale. ONE. Inhale-exhale. TWO. Inhale-exhale. THREE."